Huh?

Before I even donned my first orange polo on the Volendam, a fellow crew member issued this warning: “The most common thing people forget to pack is their brain.” It’s true. For the most part, people just don’t think their questions through before they ask, but sometimes the questions are just flat out dumb.  Anyone who knows me well knows I usually have a smart-mouthed response to almost anything (probably not my best attribute), but I usually bite my tongue at work (the only exceptions are when I have a relationship with the guests and I know they appreciate a little sarcasm). Keeping my comments to myself at work does not mean I have to keep them to myself on the blog.

Guest: Can you tell me where One-oh-nine, deck eight is?

Me (with confusion): Where?

Guest: That’s what the program says: Some Roman numerals, then deck eight.

Me (looking at a copy of the daily program): Let me see... Ma’am, that says ‘mix.’

First, it would have been 1009. Second, I might understand if it had been the first day, but this was day six and MIX lounge is always heavily advertised.

American Guest to my friend Simone

Guest (hearing her accent): Where are you from?

Simone: From London.

Guest: Where?

Simone: London, in the UK.

Guest (after thinking for a moment): Oh, well you’re English is very good my dear.

There is a reason for that. Obviously geography was never his best subject.

Crazy Lady: Do you have any say on where the library is located?

Me: What do you mean?

Crazy Lady: Well, when you come on the ship do you get to say where you want the library, or is it usually already set up?

Me: No, the rooms on the ship are pretty much set.

Crazy Lady: Well, can you recommend moving the casino? I know you can’t move it now, because if you move it mid-cruise people will get confused and upset, but maybe before the start of next cruise you can move it to a more out-of the location, maybe somewhere in the back of the ship.

Me (not knowing how to respond, but not wanting to upset the crazy woman): You can always make suggestions by turning in a comment card to guest relations.

Guest: I already did. They were dumb and confused and said it couldn’t be done.

It can’t be done. Perhaps you are the one who is dumb and confused.

Guest: I am returning this travel book.

Me: Thank you, sir. Just so you know for the remainder of the cruise, travel books are reference materials and cannot be checked out.

Guest: I Know. That’s why I didn’t check it out; I just took it to my room to read.

You’re right, you didn’t check it out; you stole it. Maybe that “Please Do Not Remove From the Exploration’s Cafe” sticker needs to be clearer.

Written Comment Card

Guest: Please get rid of Fox news. It is only for the uninteligint.

The following comment may come across as a joke but I can assure you it was not. The guest was clearly upset.

Guest: You shouldn’t have books that will take longer than a week to read. It’s not fair. If we can’t read it in a week don’t tease us with it!

Some people read fast; some guests stay on for two weeks at a time; we have one cruise that lasts six weeks. If you don’t want to read it, don’t read it! It’s that simple.

*That same cruise I had another guest read the controversial book in two days.

A Monday Morning Conversation

Guest: I need to know who won the football game.

Me: It should be on the back page of the NYTimes Digest, right there ma’am.

Guest: The game isn’t until tonight, but I need to know who won!

Well, my crystal ball is broken so you’ll have to wait until tomorrow.